This Matters to All of Us

Below is the article as posted on the HRC website. Last night President Obama signed a presidential memo requiring all hospitals that receive federal Medicare and Medicaid funding to allow patients to designate who may visit them and prohibiting discrimination in visitation based on a number of factors, including sexual orientation and gender identity.

This would have saved the Doctor's a lot of drama (and me screaming) after they didn't allow Greg in the room to visit me after I was attacked. This matters to each and every one of us and it is one of those little steps on the road to equality. WAY TO GO MR. PRESIDENT!

President Obama Announces New Health Protections for LGBT Families

Directs Department of Health and Human Services to Ensure Hospitals Respect Visitation, Decision-Making Rights

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Today, President Obama signed a presidential memorandum taking important steps to protect the visitation and healthcare decision-making rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people. This important action was inspired by last year’s New York Times profile of the tragic experience of partners Lisa Pond and Janice Langbehn. Despite having an advanced healthcare directive, Janice, and the couple’s children, were kept from Lisa’s bedside as she lay dying. Lambda Legal represented Janice in a lawsuit against Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami and worked with them to revise their policies in the wake of the tragedy. As part of its ongoing efforts to promote executive actions which would improve the lives of LGBT Americans, the Human Rights Campaign worked with White House and Department of Health and Human Services staff in support of today’s memorandum.

“Discrimination touches every facet of the lives of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, including at times of crisis and illness, when we need our loved ones with us more than ever,” said HRC President Joe Solmonese. “No one should experience what befell the Pond-Langbehn family, and the President’s action today will help ensure that the indignities Janice and her children faced do not happen to another family.”

According to today’s announcement, the memorandum directs the Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) to promulgate a regulation requiring all hospitals that receive federal Medicare and Medicaid funding – nearly every hospital in America – to allow patients to designate who may visit them and prohibiting discrimination in visitation based on a number of factors, including sexual orientation and gender identity. In addition, the memorandum calls on the Secretary to issue new guidance and provide technical assistance to hospitals to help them comply with existing federal regulations that require them to respect individuals’ advanced healthcare directives and other documents establishing who should make healthcare decisions for them when they are unable to do so. Finally, the memorandum directs HHS to conduct a larger study of the barriers LGBT people and their families face in accessing healthcare.

In addition to efforts to address these and other issues facing LGBT people through executive and legislative action, the HRC Foundation has worked for several years to encourage hospitals and other healthcare providers to adopt pro-LGBT policies and practices. Since 2007, the Foundation, in a joint effort with the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association, has published the Healthcare Equality Index (HEI), a rating of healthcare facilities based on five main policy criteria: patient non-discrimination, visitation, decision making, cultural competency training and employment policies and benefits. In 2009, ten facilities reported LGBT-inclusive policies and practices for every one of the 10 HEI rated criteria. The 2010 HEI will be released in the coming weeks.

A Kink in The Armor

This post was originally published a few weeks ago in my other blog, but I felt it would be a good post to share here.

It is 2:44 AM, 18 months since the attack, 12 months since the last nightmare, laying in bed and I have a flashback, I see myself laying in the pavement as a foot comes crashing into my skull. My vision fades to nothing and then I am back laying in bed. Tears are running down my face. I have been strong for a long time, I have fought through my feelings and I have stood up and said that words won't hurt me, that I won't allow hatred to hurt me ever again.

This is supposed to be a time of celebration, not a time of pain. This is supposed to be a moment in time when I can happily proclaim my love for this wonderful man. But instead my head is being smashed into the pavement.

Words are a very powerful thing, words can convey many emotions, yet I can not seem to find the words to express how I feel right now. The words that are being used to describe my love by bigots on other blogs are vile and horrific. Venomous hatred is being spewed from the keyboards of these unworthy humans. And at 2:44 AM 18 months since the attack and 12 months since my last nightmare I am being beaten again, and I am once again being loaded into an ambulance because of hate.

For six months after the attack I would wake up at 2:44 punching and screaming and reliving the moment my life changed forever. It was after all 2:44 AM when the first blow to my skull by Fabio Brandao was logged. And now the words of people have made another imprint on my brain, and imprint almost as powerful as the foot that struck me. I know they are only words, and I can outwardly say that they will never hurt me but subconsciously they do, they harm me just as deeply as the violent attack.

My fiancees mother thinks maybe we should drop out of the competition to win our Ultimate Wedding. I have thought about it. But if we were to drop out then these bigots would be the ones who would win. They want us to roll over and let them have their way with us. They want us to fear them because they hate us.

Then I think about all that I have been through, my struggle to come out, the lack of acceptance, being attacked for being true to myself, finding the perfect man and loving him openly and honestly, getting engaged and making the decision to enter a contest knowing that it would be a difficult road.

There is no way that I can drop out of this competition and retreat. I can not stop being who I am and I need to make a difference. Words are powerful, and so are actions. And just like the words of hatred can have power over people, words of hope can have power over people as well. We have the power to change society, we have the power to make a difference.

At 2:44 AM I have decided to use my words to do good not evil, I have decided that I will not quit because victory is the sweetest of all revenge, and I will make a difference, so the next boy struggling with who he is can look at me and my fiance, and see that love has no gender. He can see that if he believes in himself and who he is then he can do anything. I needed a role model when I was coming out, and I can be that role model for many people.

2:44 AM will not mark a moment when hate changed my life, 2:44 AM will mark the moment when love and community helped with my decision to keep moving forward.

Victories?

First off, I write this blog from my perspective, and my opinions on things. In some senses I am an outsider, a non-activist, who has not been part of the LGBT movement until very recently. And in another sense I am an gay man approaching 30 (although I will never get there) who has been a small part of the fight for years. I was at the statehouse in Boston seven years ago when same sex marriage became legal. I have survived a violent bias crime and then spoken out. I have fought for my right to marry my fiance in DC and then became the 20th couple to apply for our license on the first day it was legal here in the district. And somehow we became a symbol for marriage equality by entering in and doing well in a contest for Crate and Barrel to try to win our wedding. So, with all of that said, my posts are based on my experiences and how I personally feel about the movement, and my very small role in it.  The other night while out to dinner with my fiance and a friend who shall remain nameless we spent time discussing the movement. We started talking about all of the fights and what would be happening in the next few months. We talked some strategy and what different groups could contribute to help us gain victories. This got me thinking about what can be defined as a victory in the LGBT movement. Do we need to get the big victories? Do we need to immediately pass the "Full Equality Act" I discussed in my previous post? Absolutely, that would be a huge victory, but maybe focusing on the smaller ones first would be beneficial. And are these victories really that small? What about the Hate Crimes Bill, is this full equality, no but it is a victory. I consider it a huge victory because I am the victim of a hate crime, one I was lucky to survive. This bill will put attackers behind bars for a longer period of time and keep our community safer. If judges apply these laws strictly and properly this can positively affect millions of LGBT Americans. I would say that is a victory. Marriage Equality? Yes, our marriages are not recognized federally, but on the state level we are making some progress. Will we win them all? Probably not right away but we are making steps forward, 7 years ago same sex couples couldn't get married at all in the US. Now at almost 30, I am engaged and have my marriage license and I will be legally married in Washington DC, the capital of this fine country. How about, "Yes Homo Mayor" Craig Lowe won the elections in Gainsville, Florida even though he was facing some hateful messages being thrown at him by opponents. But why does a mayor in Gainsville Florida make a difference? It makes a difference because it shows a strong gay man in a position of power. It makes a difference because there is a visible role model for LGBT youth. It matters because it shows those who oppose equality that it doesn't matter who we love, we can still do the job. Sure this is a small victory, but it matters. Why does a wedding contest matter? When my fiance and I entered the wedding contest we thought it would be fun, but what happened is we made a statement for equality. Win or lose we were second place in the votes and we put a positive face on same sex marriage in an open and very public forum. This is a small victory, but it matters. Over the next few weeks and months and years we need to accept our small victories and keep pushing forward for more small victories. It's not true that Obama has done nothing for us, he has, and hopefully another small victory will be the passage of EDNA very soon. We all need to do our part, we all need to call Congress, we all need to protest, and speak out, and act out, and do something. But as we string these small victories together we can achieve equality.

The Full Equality Act

There are so many things that we need to do, there are so many people who are mistreated or treated as second class citizens under the current laws. Many people have fought valiantly to have changes made. Organizations exist to help pass one thing or another. We need to pass Employee Non Discrimination Act (especially since I work at a University in Virginia), we need to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell and the Defense of Marriage Act, and we need our students to be treated equally, and so many other things... so what we really need is a FULL EQUALITY FOR ALL ACT! It shouldn't be that hard we are founded on the fact that all men are created EQUAL!

The fourteenth amendment says... All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

So technically we don't even need to pass a FULL EQUALITY ACT, we actually just need to live by the laws of the land, but that seems difficult. So as we fight for one thing or another we need to continue to look at the big picture. We need to know that our fight will not be done until we have FULL EQUALITY FOR ALL!

We need to be our own heros in this fight for equality, as David said yesterday in his post on this blog. We need to do something to win our rights. The Time for Change is Now, the time to make a difference is now, and the time for FULL EQUALITY is NOW!

Epiphanies Amidst Piles of Clean & Dirty Laundry...

This first sentence may sound odd, but one of these days I'll explain... My good friend  David Mailloux whom I have never met wrote the article below and I couldn't help but post it, It carries such a great message. We can all be a hero in this fight.

Last month, when the ENDA-4 (that's Chas Kirven, Michelle Wright, Janine Carmona, and Sam Ames) went to Speaker Nancy Pelosi's office in D.C. and stayed there until they were arrested, I was awe-struck. I had been equally awe-struck earlier in the day when Robin, Dan, and Jim got arrested in front of the White House, and then, there were Kip and the amazing folks in San Fran. 

All of this just blew my mind. I wanted to be there. I should have been there.

Later (that night? the next day?), I found myself Tweeting back and forth with Sam, a first-year law student (and Janine's girlfriend), and realized a mutual admiration. We've even made arrangements to do shots and trash-talk religious conservatives when I can get down to D.C. I've never met Sam in person, but I really think she's just the bees' knees and beyond.

Before we go any further, Sam is one of my heroes. She is younger than I was when I came out, yet she's head-first into a dangerous and beautiful experience. At an age where I was afraid of my own shadow and still dating women, she is so far out there in the world, getting arrested for all of us. She is risking her future for full LGBT equality. She has so much of my respect...

I know I'm all over the place here. Bear with me.

Earlier this weekend, I came to the realization that the massive-scale event I hoped to have in Maine, that I had been working on with friends for months now, was on life support. Others involved seemed to be among the world of the living yesterday, but I still found myself vigilant at the bedside of the nearly dead.

And as it is with every vigil, you recall the beautiful memories of the life passing away in front of you, and you cry, and you get angry, and you drink and sometimes eat far too much. And you wish things had happened differently. You mourn a life not yet gone, because you realize, no matter what you do, it's about to go. The world rushes past you in rapid-fire motions, but still, you stand there at normal speed, looking down, knowing what you must do.

In so many ways, I knew I had to move on, but I couldn't find the will to do so.

A couple of hours ago, after seeing something Sam wrote on Facebook, I went down to the basement to switch loads of laundry around. And I found myself thinking about this woman, more than 11 years my junior, who really was one of my heroes. I thought about my other heroes in this movement, what they do, what we all have done, and it dawned on me.

Somewhere between clean underwear and dirty sheets, like Paul on the road to Damascus, except slightly less dramatic (as bible stories tend to be)...

I need to be my own hero.

I can stand at the bedside of my own losses and mourn them, while admiring my heroes in this movement from afar, or I can stand up and realize those losses, move on, join them, and become my own hero. I can accomplish that which I admire so readily among others and find strength in those actions.

And so I told myself: the first step toward realizing your ability to enact change is to push your fat ass out there and just fucking do it. Again. Seriously. You were there before. Hello, David, Willow, and the Kiss-In? You can go back there now.

So, starting today, starting now, I will plan. I will strategize. Someday again and soon, I will chant. I will march. I will even get arrested.

And I write these words not from want to do so, but as a result of immediacy, necessity, desperation. I will no longer dwell upon my failures and I will not wait for or anticipate sympathy for my losses. I must move ahead.

I must live this life. It is there in front of me, slapping me in the face. It is like a child, starving for attention - not just mine, but everybody's.

This Movement is young and pretty, yet bloody and sweaty and gritty and loud. It cannot, nor should it wait for excessive realization of loss. It is so beautiful that I catch my breath on its wonder and glory as well as the dust kicked up by its participants. It is constantly in motion. It wields its own startling weapons, as a war involving both words and actions.

And this is a life worth living. I know this.

And so I will stand up, dust myself off, and run. I will run toward the glow on the horizon. I will choke on that dust, I will stumble, but I will catch myself from falling and I will keep running.

I will catch up to my heroes and grab hold of their hands and run alongside them. Some of them have been waiting for me.

And soon enough, I will become my own hero.

Peter Pan and Equality

I read this story about the "Peter Pan Syndrome" in gay men. It got me thinking a little bit, sure some among us don't want to grow up. Sure many do stupid things. Yes, some gay men are reckless. This is not however, a reason to deny us rights, we shouldn't assume that because some of us act like children we should be denyed equal rights. Plenty of straight men and women act like children. Plenty of straight gay men and women cheat on spouses (Hello, Tiger Woods and Jesse James) and engage in unsafe actions. I would agree that there is an epedemic of drug use in the LGBT community, and while I won't assign blame I will say that the lack of acceptance and feeling alone can lead one to the false high one gets while using drugs. Is this a reason to deny us the right to marry the one we love? Are these actions a reason to deny an entire community rights? I don't think so! Nobody is talking about denying Tiger Woods the right to marry, and my guess is if he does get married again he may even cheat again.


The author, who is a self proclaimed conservative says, "There is a delicious set of ironies coming from the gay pseudo-world that doesn’t escape the public eye. This nebulous community wants validation and recognition in the form of same-sex marriage, ending DADT and comprehensive employment non-discrimination (ENDA.) Yet, what have you been doing to earn society’s respect? Creating a Bohemian underworld in some dark corner of a bathroom stall? Spiraling into a G-hole? Killing your own?" There are also many people who are out and proud, and honorable. We want validation because it is the right thing to do for society. We want validation because we want to grow up, and many of us are working hard and contributing to society.

I am not sure why this article got under my skin, maybe it is because it is validating the discrimination we face everyday. It is saying, yes discrimination is probably bad, but here is why you deserve it! Well, I am not going to mince my words here and that is a load of crap! All human beings deserve the respect of society and they deserve to be treated as equals. Acceptance is key.

I absolutely agree that some people gay or straight need to grow up. They need to learn to be a productive member of society. But in a country founded on the basis that all men are created equal we should all be treated as equal! Oh, and by the way I will continue to "screetch" for acceptance and equality!

So You Know Where I Am Coming From...

From Innocence to Experience

He screamed “die faggot die,” as he kicked my head into the pavement. He ran off with his friends to his car, driving away, leaving me unconscious in the middle of the street. A witness pulled up, making sure on-coming cars wouldn’t run me over. My friends watched, tears welling up, as they loaded me into the ambulance. I don’t remember anything.

I woke up in the hospital. I turned to see my friend in the other bed, also a victim of this hate, still bleeding from his scalp. My own head was throbbing.

Even as the world came into focus, I was still confused.

Blind Justice

Months later, I sat in the courtroom, finally seeing the face of the man whose violent attack sent me to the emergency room. I watched and listened as he admitted his guilt and his hatred. He was guilty on all nine counts including four counts of civil rights violations.

My head was spinning and my legs were trembling as I approached the microphone to deliver my statement. I described what the attacks had done to me. How I awoke every night at 2:44 AM reliving the nightmare and how I could never look at my “home” of Boston the same again.

Returning to the bench, I was comforted by my boyfriend and another of the victims. We squeezed hands, knowing that we were all lucky to be alive. It was a surreal experience I felt like I was watching and listening to Judge Horgan hand down a two year suspended sentence from outside of my own body. This man, who took my security away, who could have taken my life as well wasn’t going to jail.

Mr. Brandao’s hate-filled rage caused him to inflict these injuries; hate crimes laws dictated that he would be eligible for a fifteen year sentence in state prison. But with Judge Horgan’s sentence, the world once again fell out of focus. This time, it was not at the hand of an assailant: it was at the hand of justice, the spirit of which seemed to be completely blind to my circumstances.

Focus on Today

Since the trial I have been asked many questions. Many ask how I am doing, and many more ask about my response to the sentence. While answering them, I realized that I possessed an inner strength I never knew I had– I refuse to lie down and be the victim. While my experience frustrates me, I can see the big picture.

I want us all to see what this ruling has brought into focus: there is still hate in this world, and we must be vigilant to protect ourselves. And not only is there still hate in this world, but we also must realize that there are figures of authority - including a judge right here in the courthouse behind you - who allowed people to get away with hate. We cannot sit idly and watch this happen. That is why we are all here today.

This case is about all of us – people in our community, people of all different genders, race, and religions- everyone standing here and those who are not. This case is about freedom and safety - the freedom and safety we are guaranteed, by the very laws so many before us have struggled to pass. This case should remind us that the courts have failed us once again.

The sentence in this case sends the message that our hate crime laws are ignorable and that hate of first time offenders is tolerable. Now it is our chance to stand up and fight to make a change. Fabio Brandao walking freely away from this courthouse sets precedence for this tolerance of hate - the next attacker may also walk away from committing a violent act of hate this easily unless we stand up and demand change.

A Clear Vision for the Future

You all – we all – send the message that hatred towards any group is absolutely intolerable. We will not remain quiet when injustice is served. We will stand up and tell our Judges what seems obvious to all of us standing here- that anger management classes do not stop hatred. The Judges of Massachusetts must recognize that the laws and sentencing guidelines for hate crimes have been put in place for a reason, and we need to follow them.

The tide is changing in this country with a Democrat-controlled Congress and a President who has indicated his support for the Matthew Shepard Act that may be passed as early as this week. However, the passage of this Act will only be beneficial to our community and others if judges are willing to uphold the law.

What happened to me is evidence that the Judges of Massachusetts are out of step with the discussions happening on Capitol Hill as recently as two days ago. Hate crimes are not to be dismissed because trials require resources. Hate crime laws are in place to protect people like me.

It is not just today, but everyday that we need to stand up and speak our minds. Attacks like the one that my friends and I experienced must never happen again. We must make it known that we will not accept this sentence as justice. This blatant failure of the court is simply intolerable. We must demand change in the attitude of Judge Horgan and his peers. The District Attorney’s Office must demand these longer sentences, and the judges must echo our message – we do not stand idle as hate takes hold of our communities.

Moving Forward with Clarity

As I move forward with my life, I look back and I worry.

I worry about the next person walking home in Massachusetts. It could be anyone of us. It could happen on Columbus Avenue again, or on Massachusetts Avenue, or somewhere else, anywhere else, when a car pulls up. They scream words of hate, obscenities – against gays – blacks – Latinos – Jews – Muslims… They scream words of hate at you.

They hate you.

They hate you because you belong to a different group than they do. Running out of their car, they punch you, kick you, and beat you into the pavement. Within two minutes, it’s over. There’s one man left in the street, standing over his friend who is lying unconscious in front of him. There world has changed as they have just felt the pain of unimaginable hate.

Now, imagine you were the one left in the street, dripping blood, your friend crying, trying to find help. That was me, lying there in the street. Many people would be able to tell similar stories, but they were not as lucky as I was.
We must send the message that our land’s law does not tolerate hate-fueled violence. We must hold justices accountable to upholding the law, ensuring due process is not thrown aside out of convenience. And we must tell the haters that their hatred is not tolerated - not by us and not by our judicial system – we must show that violent acts have grave consequences under the law.

We Expect More

Attention Teresa McNeece-

"Expect More, Do More and Achieve More." Strong words intended to inspire teachers and students alike to reach farther and change the world, at least that is what I believe the intention was, however, the actions of those involved in the "fake prom" do not exemplify this motto, and you should be ashamed of this behavior.

Constance McMillen is a hero in the eyes of many in the LGBTQ community and beyond. She is an inspiration to the thousands upon thousands of teenagers struggling to do exactly what she is doing which is be proud of who she is. She is taking a stand and she has the support of millions behind her.

Constance expected more, she expected those entrusted with her development and education to allow her to be true to her self. She expected those who taught her about equality to learn from the lessons in history and treat her as an equal. Constance expected more than she received and that is why she is an example of your motto, yet you are not.

Constance did more, she did more than one could have ever expected from an eighteen year old adolescent. She spoke out against those who were trying to tell her she was less than equal. She bravely stood up and said that what was happening was not right. She was very open with who she was and entered the spotlight to prove an important point. By doing more Constance became a hero.

Constance achieved more! Constance became a symbol of what we are all fighting for and years from now when you are hanging your head in shame history books will tell the story of this brave woman who stood up and proudly said I AM EQUAL! She is a hero, her story will be told for many years as we continue to fight for equality, and you should be proud of Constance because she is one of your few students who exemplifies your motto.

Now is your chance to do more to make a difference. Please respond to this letter and all the others I am sure you will receive in the next few days, weeks, and months and tell us how you are going to recognize Constance. We expect so much more from you, your principals, and your teachers. It is a shame you are not delivering.

Sincerely,